Vodka Tonic

So recently I have changed my drink of choice to vodka tonic rather than budlight. There really is no creative reasoning behind the decision, other than the fact that beer makes you fat. In recent months I have began running quite a bit and lost twenty pounds in the past six months or so. So sticking to the vodka tonic makes me feel that I can enjoy having a drink without worrying about it messing up all my hard work.

Quite frankly, the change in drinks is almost like a reflection on my life...

Before I moved to the great state of Nebraska I was living in Las Vegas, NV. The entire time I was there I worked two fulltime jobs, went to school, (usually starting out the semester with a full load of classes and only finishing with a partial load.) hung out with friends, and traveled every chance I got. The last year or so I was there, I finally got down to working only one job. I began drinking just about every day. I got pretty chunky. Budlight was my drink then. I got so fed up with my life that I decided to make the change. I quit my job, didn't sign a new lease for my apartment, called my dad, and made the arrangements to move to Nebraska. I told everyone it was to finish school. That was actually the second reason I decided to move. The first was for a completely different reason.

Basically, I have been here three years in January. I am not really all that close to finishing my degree (at least not as close as I expected to be), and I have made several pretty big changes since I have been here to my life. Number one change, that I made recently this year, I quit smoking. Something happened in the beginning of the year that scared me so bad I couldn't stand to do it anymore. Now I have fallen off the wagon a couple times, but I am pretty proud of myself for cutting it out as much as I have. I am sure by next year there will be no more falling off the wagon for me. Smoking use to be an avenue to deal with stress. I am learning new ways to deal with stessors now. They are working for the most part. Second big change I made was running. I decided I couldn't continue on the path I was going down. My job doesn't require too much activity. I needed something to get me moving. I lost weight, got back into shape, and added something on my list to help deal with issues.

Now I have only had three real boyfriends up until this year. And by "real boyfriends" I mean not just phone boyfriends I had in grade school or junior high, or even the two week "flings" in high school. I mean real boyfriends where you actually see each other on a regular basis. Now the first of those three is my high school sweet heart. He and I were together off and on from sixth grade I believe up until about three years after graduation. The other two were complete opposite from each other and from my first. Its funny how that happens... They were both much older than myself. The point is, every time I do things I have to do it differently each time. I do one thing, think I learn something, try something else, hope I learn something, then jump into something completely different.

This year I tried something different again. A fourth boyfriend, mentioned I believe in one of my firsts posts... The grade school friend that I reconnected with. This is really actually quite funny how the story goes. Basically, he is my vodka tonic. Since my first boyfriend, I only really thought with each preceding, that I was significantly changing my choice in guys. Well, there is something that ties them all together really. They were all unavailable, in one sense of the word or another. Now with the boyfriend this year I THOUGHT once again this was different. And in so many ways it really was! From budlight to vodka tonic... The first person I could honestly say I dated with hopes of something long term happening. I thought there was so much potential for a great future. I was happy, and not just some or most of the time, but all the time. Friends noticed, family noticed, I noticed... It's kind of crazy how one person can have such a profound effect on you that people actually notice a change. The relationship was normal, healthy, and fun. The point is, vodka tonic and budlight, no matter what, they are both alcohol. One just makes you fatter than the other more quickly...

I have a very difficult time focusing on simple things in life. I forget things, I don't do things because I get distracted doing something else... Because I have become this ridiculously hopeless romantic it clouds everything even more these days. School is the priority at this moment in my life. However, I have now created this crazy distraction for myself. I try very hard to not think about all the what if's, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just at the age where I feel I am going to be too old and miss my time. Maybe its human nature?

I'm sure all this makes no sense to anyone but myself, but this is why I'm blogging. I have to get it out of my head so its not bouncing around up there anymore. If my thoughts and feelings are going to be so jumbled I'd rather them be jumbled here than in my mind.

Anyways, I had a test tonight at school. This was a pretty important test for me, for the semester. After I finished my test, I headed home. When I got back into town I went and had a few vodka tonics.

Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!

-William S. Gilbert