Semester Break

Hello all!

So I have fallen back a bit on posting, but only because I have been so busy working crazy hours and not to mention I'm house sitting for a friend who does not have internet access. But anyhoo...

So the semester ended quite interestingly. I passed my Calc III class with flying colors, (how,I have no idea) and the one class I thought for sure, there was no way I couldn't pass, I didn't. But it's not a prereq for anything and its a lame class so I can take it later on as a filler.

Next semester is going to be tough, however I will be there in Lincoln so it should be a great semester! I have gotten involved with several different clubs or organizations and I got an apartment right across from campus, and have made some friends that are going to help me with my studying.

If this next semester doesn't go well I'm pretty sure I'm going to just give up and switch the major to something else. I'll of course keep up with the blogging as much as I can. ;)

I hope everyone has had a happy holiday and hope everyone has a safe new years!

Thanks for all the support and hope for this semester! I appreciate those who lend advice and follow my blog.

Thanks!


"If the only prayer you said in your whole life was, "thank you," that would suffice."

~Meister Eckhart

One Semester Down

Today was my last final...My first semester at UNL is officially over. Next semester will be quite the challenge. Now that I have managed to get a bit more acclimated at the University I hope to be quite a bit more successful in the Spring.

As of right now I have a very full load. A couple Nuclear Online courses, an EE lab, my (hopefully) last math class, and 3 other EE courses. Now after I get my final grades back from this semester that may all change.

I know for sure that I didn't do well on either of the finals I had. :-/ It is a very, very sad story because I studied so hard and worked so hard for my Calculus Exam, and in the end still ended up leaving too much of the exam blank. I believe for next semester I will go to the testing center to see if I can get more time for exams and or atleast be able to take the exam in an office... Another room other than where there are a million other people.

So now that I have this incredible weight bearing down on me while I wait for the results of the first (virtually horrible) semester, I will be working my ass off through the entire break. I am working so many hours, and my supervisor doesn't seem to care at all that they are running me completely ragged. I will be finding a new job soon anyways, again, hopefully. I just need to find one where I may move laterally in pay and benefits in Lincoln. Only then will life be as needed for this whole school thing to truly work out well.

Over the break I am going to be doing TONS of reading too... I already have one of my EE books, used for two classes, and my differential equations book. Hopefully this will help things go much smoother next semester. One of the EE classes I dropped this semester so I am just retaking it. I dropped it pretty late in the semester too so hopefully what I did attain from it will help.

The next couple weeks are going to be crazy... I hope everyone has a safe and happy Holiday!

Engineers Without Borders...

So I have recently become a member of the UNL- Engineers Without Borders Chapter! It is an amazing organization that is part of the Engineers Without Borders-USA group. We are currently looking into developing renewable energy projects and clean water filtration systems down in Kianjavato, Madagascar.

The Group is trying to raise money for the trip and supplies needed to help install the solar panels in the school houses that will provide power for a light and fan in each one. Most of the villages down there do not have electricity of any form and do not have safe water to drink, cook, or even bathe in. We hope to help reduce the high risk water issues with the filtration system.

From what I can see, going to the meetings (General as well as committee), everyone is so intensely committed to making a difference for these people! Some went down to do assessment research on needs and wants of the locals of the area. Power and fresh water are the two largest needs.

I am so incredibly excited to be apart of the group! I have applied to be one of the students that go down this next May 2011 to Kianjavato, Madagascar. I can't wait to begin making a difference in people's lives.

DONATE TO THE UNIVERSITY OF NEBRASKA CHAPTER OF ENGINEERS WITHOUT BORDERS-USA and get a boost to your donation with a match from EWB-USA’s corporate sponsors!


We are raising money for our efforts to help provide clean drinking water and power for lights in the schools in Kianjavato, Madagascar. A donation of $10 will pay for one day of translator services, $50 will pay for one day of car rental and driver, $100 will pay for a biosand filter to provide clean water for a household, $1000 will provide a solar system to provide light for a classroom, and $5000 will provide a solar system to power a computer for a school. EWB-USA in partnership with their corporate sponsors (Google, Tuner Construction, CDM and CH2MHill) will match your donation to our chapter with a one-for-one match from now until the end of December 2010.

Here’s what you need to do to help us improve the lives of the people of Kianjavato, Madagascar!

1. Type in URL into web address bar: https://ewb-usa.org/2010giving/
2. If there is a problem with the site’s security certificate, ignore the comment and click Continue to the site anyway.
3. Fill out Contributor Information on the left hand side of the web page.
4. Fill out amount of contribution as well as credit card information.
5. Scroll down and in the right column you will see a heading called Allocation. IMPORTANT: Type in University of Nebraska in the information bar under the heading Allocation. If this is not done, the University of Nebraska will not receive the donation!
6. Click Process Contribution.
7. If a comment appears stating that the address you have entered does not match the address registered with your bank, ignore it—your order has been processed! DO NOT re-click Process Contribution. If you do, your donation will be resubmitted and your account will be charged again.

If you have questions or would like more information, please contact Devor O’Connor, Fundraising Chair for the EWB-USA NU Student Chapter at doconnor@huskers.unl.edu.

Almost there!

So yesterday was the end of an incredibly gruelly week. I had my last chapter exam in my Calculus III class over the course of Thursday and Friday. Thursday's part of the exam I think went about as well as any other exam has gone thus far... I might have gotten half of it right. Friday's test was rediculous. I left quite a bit of it blank and the parts I did manage to get anything down on the paper was all complete fabrication of absolutely nothing... It just did not go well at all. :-/

Thursday was an incredibly tough day as well. I think the stress of the semester ending, of my exam that day and Friday, and probably a little bit of work and family issues as well. I had a complete melt down. I'm sure all the time wasted crying and sleeping could have been better spent studying for my test. I should have done better than I did on the exam Friday. This entire week has just been incredibly long and heartbreaking. This entire semester and better yet year have been incredibly tough. I am just ready for everything to be over... I'd like to get back to my adult life of just work and independence.

This next week is "dead week" at the University. I am going to be spending quite a lot of time studying. I am so lucky I only have two finals.

So on the 15th I am going to pick up the keys to my new apartment. I will then spend the next seven days cleaning, painting, and making it the cutest little hole in the wall you can imagine. :D I am super excited to just hide out away from everything and everyone. It will be nice to be back to me. I definitely lost myself somehow this past year so I will definitely be doing some grounding and recoverying.

I found a great organization that does some great work for people down in Uganda, Africa. Everyone should check this site out! There is a part called SUUBI, which offers various merchandise for sale that is uniquely hand made from women down in Uganda. You must just check out the site and read all about it. It's an incredible organization...

http://lightgivesheat.org/

Not Running Away... Just Moving On

So yesterday I signed the lease to my new apartment in Lincoln. It is a great little place just across the street from the university. I am pretty excited about it. I get my keys soon and will be painting and cleaning for a couple weeks before I actually move anything over there.

I have come to the realization that someone I has hoping was "the one" can't possibly be. For one thing, he doesn't even want to be with me. Lol, that is a pretty good indicator that he isn't "the one". I have deleted pretty much everything that has to do with him out of my phone and computer. Hopefully this will help me forget about him. It was a short period of time we were together, but it was just so emotionally intense for me it is impossible to explain. I don't think I have even been so ridiculously emotionally attached to anyone like that before. Since I am moving this will help tremendously. I actually decided to move after it was clear we were never going to be more than friends... We can't even really be real friends considering the fact he never wants to even see me or talk to me. Text or fb chatting is what it has all come down to now. Yep, definitely time to drop it. Wow, there ya go, poured my heart out and now everyone knows just how pathetic I really am. :P

so back to the apartment.... It is an extremely small space, but it has potential. I have great painting plans for it. This will be the first apartment I will actually paint and take the time to fix up. Any previous apartments I never really had pictures hung or much decor set up. This should be fun.

I have my Spring classes set up. I will be taking three engineering courses, 1 lab, 1 math course (hopefully the last...), and 2 online nuclear engineering courses. It should be interesting. Hopefully being so close to campus and in my own little place will help with focus and studying.

I have been reading more and more into meditation. I have been able to calm myself and stay grounded. It helps a lot. When I have my own place I will be able to take more time to relax, meditate, and breathe. There is just something about where I am now that is suffocating. A lot of things in my life have not gone how I hoped. I have dealt with them in one way or another. Recently things pretty much hit the fan. My stress levels have been horribly high and I have put so much pressure on myself that I completely failed myself and everyone else...

This entire year has been so hard. I hope next year and the year after fly by pleasantly. I'm not sure how my tolerance for failure will hold up if there is ever a repeat of this year. And I am not just talking about school. This includes friendships, relationships, work, everything! I have lost 2.5 friends this year... It has been a year of heartache. I just don't think I'll be able to make it through another year of so much of it again.

I hope everyone has a nice holiday season. I hope the New Year brings happiness to everyone. I hope the world becomes a better place tomorrow, not one anyone dreads to be in...

To New Beginnings! To the possibility of love, hope, compassion, and forgiveness!

First Day Back After the Break

Today began great! I got some sleep last night! :D After this past crazy weekend, it was definitely needed! Classes resumed after the Thanksgiving break. I missed my morning class, but got my homework for it turned in. Calculus this after noon was pretty good, interesting as usual...

After my calculus class my friend and I had planned to study because we have our last chapter exam for calculus Thursday and Friday. I had to go see the apartment that was still available (I missed out on my cute little one with the wooden floors :'( ) and turn in the application for it, so she went with me.

While we were waiting to check out the apartment we went to grab a bite to eat at Panara Bread, which is just across the street. I ate half of a panini and then we headed over to meet L, the leasing agent. She showed me the apartment, up on the 4th floor. It had the best carpet of all the others I had seen previously. I went ahead and said that's the one I'll take. After we were done there we drove to the management office. It was just around the corner and down a few blocks, not too far. While I was sitting there filling out the application there was so much going on, I was pretty close to saying forget it! People who were sitting in an office close by had all kinds of things to say about people who were calling... The guy who said, "If you have any questions just let me know." Seemed quite irritated and in a hurry to get away when I did actually have a couple questions... It was quite the experience. I had never been in a place like that before. They just didn't seem like any of the property management places I have ever worked for or been to in the past. Oh well, I desperately need to get away from here so I didn't let it all get to me too bad.

After I finished my application for the apartment we headed back to campus to study. We both still had our food from Panara because we didn't have time to eat at all. We sat down in one of the lounges of the Engineering building and began doing calculus problems. It is pretty nice working with my friend, Kay because she is patient and understanding when explaining things I don't quite get. There are also somethings that she may not get right away that I can explain to her. This helps I think both of us when we work together through problems. After studying for a few hours we decided we needed some coffee! We went over to the student union, bought some Starbucks, then got right back to work on Calculus. We only got half of the section done though :-/. We will do much more tomorrow. I completely lost focus and had to just call it a night. I will read tonight before I go to bed so hopefully tomorrow we can get more done.

I don't really remember much of the drive home... I was pretty tired from the long day of studying, extremely excited about my apartment so close to campus, and trying to go over calculus stuff in my head the entire drive. When I got back into town I was so excited to tell someone about my apartment! I text one of my best friends to see if he wanted to go to Ihop, but he had already eaten... So I just told him via text, which wasn't that exciting then. As soon as I got home I text another friend to see if he was talkable, thought this time I'd just call and tell someone myself so my excitement wasn't dulled... That didn't go so well, I just ended up making him mad so now he won't talk to me at all :'(... (Not surprising since he took something I text sarcastically seriously.... Which had it been another day and I was actually upset/depressed, I could have said it seriously, but that definitely wasn't the case tonight.) Anyways, apparently he wasn't in a good mood. Oh well.. So anyways, I just told my dad. He is sick though, and I don't think he really cares so all my excitement has completely been flushed down the drain... And people wonder why I am cynical. What's the point when you have no one to share anything with??

So now I am going to just read my Calculus book until I fall asleep. Tomorrow is a new day, hopefully will be a much better day (from beginning to end)! I have a lunch date, then off to Lincoln to study more for my test with my friend, and then to the UNL basketball game! :D I am super excited about that!! Another friend of mine who is also a basketball fan and player is going to go with me! I can't wait! Then maybe to B-Dubbs for wings?? The Engineers without Boarders has a fundraiser going on there where if you eat there 10% of the bill will go towards the group! I am joining the EWB-UNL group too so I am definitely going to try to go support them!

Things will be looking up again soon enough. I will be able to move forward and get over people as soon as I get out of here and I can not wait.

"There is only one corner of the universe you can be certain of improving... and that's your own self."

Working Weekend

So I don't have much of a comment about Thanksgiving. However, I hope everyone enjoyed their Turkey Day! Mine was interesting to say the absolute least...

This morning it was up bright and early to return to work. I am here until 11p and then back in the morning at 7 a.m. again. I am working a double tomorrow as well. Sunday I also work 7a-11p. I hope this goes by fast. Though I gladly cover for everyone, I am not all that excited about not being able to study this weekend.

I have a Calculus test Thursday and Friday this next week. I have tons of studying and homework to do in order to do well. This is our last chapter exam before our final. I also have an extra credit project I need to begin and finish as soon as possible. Monday I am pretty excited because I am going to put down a deposit and application for my new apartment (hopefully). I am just ready to be back out on my own again. Not that I don't appreciate my father for allowing me to stay with them while I am in school, I will just do much better in my own space.

I have began practicing/attempting the Chakra meditation. I will work on each chakra center, one at a time until I am able to successfully meditate and balance all of them. One more thing to add to the benefits list of having my own place! :) Though I did feel a bit more centered after, I definitely have a ways to go in order for it to have the positive and lasting effects it should. I am pretty excited about it. I was speaking with my brother about it, and he has some books that I will be able to borrow in order to learn and research more about the Chakra as well as other various forms of meditation.

So back to school stuff... I have tons of studying to do for Thursday and Friday's test. I need to get the motor I have been building done finally by Friday. I have homework due Monday, which I forgot :0... Ooops, guess I'll get that done tonight. One of my very few friends here in Omaha is moving to Kansas next week too. I am prety bummed. Oh well, I guess I'm moving to Lincoln now so that wont be so bad.. I think I'll be closer to him anyways. On top of all that, I have my very last Rotaract meeting of the year Wednesday evening. So next week is rather busy!

I hope everyone has a fabulous weekend and had a nice holiday break! I'm sure I'm forgetting things that will pop up beginning Monday so I will definitely keep everyone posted!

"A human being is a part of a whole, called by us 'universe', a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

-Albert Einstein

Tuesday...

This morning began bright and early with a trip out to West Point, NE. J and I went to install a wind turbine at the school there. The entire operation did not go smoothly at all. It was incredibly cold outside (which I am still not at all use to yet) and things just seemed to go all wrong. It was a very long day, a lot of heavy lifting, a lot of toes freezing, a lot of wind burn, and a lot of obstacles. We finally got it up right before the sun went down. We tried to hurry and the whole thing just took so much longer than either of us had anticipated. Oh well, we got it up! It is for a great cause, and I think the students who came out for a little bit and tried to help enjoyed the exposure. I guess I can't really complain... After all, we got it up, no one got hurt, and it is done.

When I got home I arrived to a house full of about 3/4 of the family that is coming for Thanksgiving this week. Everyone was sitting around the table chatting away... My dad and his brother broke out a bottle of scotch, while I broke out the vodka and tonic! I do better in the family-social situations with some help most of the time, sad but true. Anyways, so everyone chatted, then ended up sitting the family room watching TV and movies.

After everyone went to bed my cousin and I went for a drive. We stopped at Ihop for a few hours and chatted about all kinds of things. We pretty much came to the conclusion that both of us have issues! Lol. Isn't that great, as if I didn't know all ready. ;P After we were done listening to our waiter complain about his poor tips he was receiving all night (due completely to his poor service) we decided it was time to head out. We went for another drive around chatting some more about school, boys, and life... When we got back home we said goodnight and I'm sure she is probably sound asleep by now, while I'm here blogging because I can't sleep. :)

Before I decided to start blogging tonight I was checking my facebook (of course :P) and chatted with one of my good friends! We went to school together back in Texas. He is now deployed overseas. We were only able to chat for a short period of time, but it was so great to hear from him! I always considered him one of my best buddies. We played basketball together, could always talk about stuff together; he was a pretty good catch! He is married now, which is great! His wife looks so sweet too! It makes me so happy when good people end up with good people. I miss him... He totally owes me a basketball game too from way back when! :D

So, on another note... My class schedule has been altered again due to credit issues in the spring. I ended up having to pick up a class that is offered Monday, Wednesday, and Fridays. This means back to 5 days of classes per week, and yep! back to moving to Lincoln. I will call Monday and see if the apartment I originally wanted is still available. If so I am going to go put down the deposit and application stuff. I really need to get out of here; I think it'll be best for everyone... For me.

"Why do you suppose nearly every quote about Love has some reference to Pain in it? Could it be because love is something that does or cannot exist without pain? If this pain is what I feel after I have loved, I never want to love again. I see it as a mistake, a huge, painful mistake that I have definitely learned a great lesson from."

Monday Fun Day!

This morning I, as usual, missed class. My friend told me it wasn't worth going to anyways. I'm not printing off all the assignments and notes from the class. After this Thanksgiving break I won't miss anymore. I need to do well in that class. I don't have too much great things happening so far this semester and that class is the easiest, so might as well go through the motions and do well.

This afternoon I did make it to my Calculus III class. That is however my favorite class. Not to mention it's in the afternoon so I still get some sleep before having to go. Makes attendance much easier. ;) So today he told us he was nearly done with our extra credit stuff. He posted a proof for us to read and understand in order to solve the problems he is creating for us... I'm thinking this is going to be extremely difficult. I will have to get help I'm sure. My passing the class depends on this so I can't risk not getting it done.

So after class today I went up to the lab to continue working on this motor I've been building. I finished gluing all the magnets on, that was quite time consuming. However, the very last set of magnets we need to get on will not take too much time. That I have to wait for Dr. P to help because it will definitely take two people. These are crazy heavy duty industrial magnets. They are incredibly strong so it is quite difficult to handle them at a certain point. I'm pretty exciting about it all. It will be great when it's all done. I hope J, who's design it is, will be happy with the real thing.

On my way home from Lincoln today it was quite entertaining. It was pretty late by the time I was done and able to leave campus. So naturally, it was dark and pretty cold out. So I'm driving down the highway, jamming out to my favorite radio station, which by the way plays music for the longest time ever without commercial breaks, and my windows begin fogging up. I was so busy singing up a storm and rocking out that I didn't even notice until it was real bad and I nearly couldn't see out! Lol, it was pretty bad. On top of this, when I got to the main road off the highway that leads to my neighborhood I hit a couple red lights. Still jamming out to my radio, rather loudly, I hadn't noticed a police car following me. And of course, the inevitable... I got stopped. But not for speeding, no. The officer said I was wailing around in my car at the light and he thought I was drunk!! Well as soon as I rolled down my window and he heard my loud radio blaring, "Another One Bites the Dust", I guess he figured out why I was rocking my car. He laughed at me and told me I should be careful jamming out so hard, I may hurt myself! Talk about embarrassing! Wow, what a day!

Today was actually a very good day. I got a hold of one of my good friends, I am going to get some advice on cleansing my aura, and becoming well grounded. I need something to help me get focused. I am even in the process of finding meditation beads and learning ways of meditation. I'm pretty open to anything at this point. I need to change something. I need to become slow to emotionally reacting. I need to fist try to understand. I need to focus. I need to be more mindful of my surroundings, other people, and situations. There are just so many things that I desperately want to engage in, mindfulness and understanding are two big ones. I feel if I can accomplish everything listed, then I will be successful.

Tomorrow I will be going up to West Point, NE to install a turbine with my "boss", J. He emailed me earlier this afternoon, said he would pick me up at 8:30a tomorrow... We'll see. I tried to confirm, but he never responded. I'll be up and ready and if he doesn't come then I have that much more time to work on the basement for the fam-damily ;P.

Anyways, I believe people begin migrating in tomorrow so let the fun begin! I am just ready for this week to come and go. I am working so much the entire week that I just hope I get through it alive... and sane.

I am going to try to get some sleep now. I'm kind of hoping J doesn't come tomorrow, but I guess we'll find out! Hope everyone has a fantastic Thanksgiving!

Metaphysical Poem

once upon a time
there was a zen
just one zen
existential, invisible
metaphysical, physical
life-like and pure
just one zen,
this zen grew up
to be all there is
sharing itself
with itself
playing at
being many

once upon a time
and always upon
an eternity

-http://www.short-zen-poems.com/
© Benjamin Dean - Monday, November 08, 2010

Thanksgiving Week Begins

So today is a day of cleaning... I have to get the basement all cleaned for the entire Fam-Damily to come for Thanksgiving. I woke up feeling pretty bad this morning, I have so much to do and I am going to just kill myself this week with school and work. I'm not looking forward to it at all. I tried to get people to cover at least part of my shift for work this evening and of course, as usually no one can, or at least most of them won’t even respond to a phone call. It is funny you help out all the time covering shifts for people, and the very few times you need help absolutely no one is willing to lend a hand. I'm not a fan of most of my co-workers anymore... I'm pretty sure it is time to find a new job (Hopefully in Lincoln).

So anyways, yesterday was a pretty good day. After bell ringing for the Salvation Army with my friend and her son, I dropped them off at home and went to meet up with a couple friends for sushi. I had a great time. I love sushi, and I love just being out all day. I am definitely NOT a home-body... I have moments when I don't want to go anywhere, but that is due to being depressed, sick, or tired, not really because I like being home ever. So after I got home I stayed up for a bit and then finally fell asleep on my calculus book. That maybe why I woke up with such a horrible headache this morning. :-/

Anyways, so the rest of the day will be filled with cleaning, working, and then cleaning some more all night long, and hopefully squeeze in some more studying. I will probably be pulling an all-nighter. I am not really looking forward to that because tomorrow is going to be such a long day with classes, working in the lab, and then homework/studying with my friend.

So I'm keeping myself busy now. Things are getting pretty hectic with work and school. I am very ready for the semester to just be over with already. December will probably be long and rough with not a lot going on either than work the last half.

I have so much going on inside my head it is impossible to describe to anyone. At this moment I am wishing the entire past year had never happened... I've lost three friends this year through various events, I screwed up what could have been something really great, and I don't know how to fix it exactly. I should go around to high schools and let them know how screwed up I am and tell them to continue full-time through school so they won't end up like me. Blah, blah, blah... Bad day to be blogging!

Maybe tomorrow will be bright and sunshiny and I can blog in a positive light then. Today's messages:
1. Don't date someone you like more than they like you. Never get attached.
2. Don't take anytime off b/n H.S. and college, go straight through full-time until completed.
3. Don't expect anyone to help you out. That way if someone actually does it'll be a pleasant surprise.

It's funny because I get so upset and depressed about the way things are going then I'll read some more about Buddhism and it all seems to fade...

"it's not necessary to try to become your true self. you can't be anything else. it's impossible to be other than what we truly are - and what we are changes moment to moment. but because our tendency to grasp is so strong, it may take us some time to learn to trust and relax into our unfixed nature. ego wants to be substantial and special, and it will try to possess each new realization and insight. when ego grasps at the gains we've made, we will suffer the consequences. most of us fall into this trap many times before finally seeing that grasping is futile and admitting to ourselves, 'ah, maybe i really am zero, nothing special!' when we make practice our life, we can expect to encounter many traps and sticking places. yet we can make this an honorable part of our practice by remaining watchful and letting go each time we become stuck. by returning to zero again and again, we gradually close the gap and actualize our unfathomable true nature."

-Genpo Roshi, the path of the human being

Lovely Saturday

This morning began just as any usual Saturday morning... Woke up about every hour all night long worried of oversleeping. I got my wake up call about 5:30a from my co-worker who works the over night. Then I got a text from one of my best friends at about 6:00am. That was quite an exciting text talk...

I won't go into that, however, I must say it is nice to have friends to cheer you on in certain situations. I can always count on him to tell me what I need to hear in order to follow through with stuff outside the comfort zone. (Not that I usually need help in that department.. Really only when it comes to boys is when I don't know what to do.)

Anyways, the semester is nearly over and I still have so much I need to do in order to get ahead here. I picked up tons of hours for this next week over Thanksgiving, as well as tons of hours over Christmas-New Years time. Hopefully all the extra hours will help me get ahead a bit on some bills or even help create the cushion I need for gas to commute back and forth to Lincoln.

This next semester I got all my classes down to two days so I don't have to move and hopefully I will be doing better from then on out. I will be able to save lots of money hopefully. Now that things have gone the way they have this past year I have decided to begin saving my escape fund. This way as soon as I am done with school I can pick up and move somewhere right away and not have to wait around Nebraska much longer after. There are a couple different places now that are on the list. I can't wait to be done and gone.

Now that I have gotten over my summer love I am throwing any possibility of anything like that out the window completely until I am done with school. I just don't have the room in my mind for boys anymore. I am completely focused on school now and nothing will change that now.

I made some new friends this past week! I am excited to get into some sort of social life now. Most of my new friends are PhD students or people who have already graduated now. Which is good in so many ways and at the same time not so much. The factor that they leave when they are done with their PhD or the others who work normals jobs during the day. Schedule conflicts, time availability, and all kinds of things go into determining the level of friendship that is truly obtainable. Anyways, this week was just fantastic. Next week is going to be a long one, but I'm ready for it.

Things are looking up now... I'm pretty stoked about it all, however, I do wish I was able to go back and have my friend here in Omaha as often as I used to. its funny how if people wanted to, they would make time for you; And in the beginning they do and then all of a sudden it's gone. Just like that, no more time. No more interest in anything. People are funny things: emotions, thoughts, feelings, hope, and understanding... All the things that either build a strong friendship or completely tear it apart. I don't think I am cautious enough, maybe I would still have people in my life had I thought things through completely before. Meh, back to school, Focus!

Every beginning is a consequence - every beginning ends some thing.
~Paul Valer

Almost Done

So I have not had much of a chance all week to blog, I have a bit to catch up on! This week was pretty busy. Late nights in Lincoln studying, working on this machine I have to finish building, trying to do homework, and all that jazz.

So Monday was a pretty long day... I don't remember if I went to class or not, probably not though since I don't remember. :-/ Not a good thing. I will make sure I don't miss anymore the rest of the semester. I worked pretty late until about 7:30p after class and then did homework for calculus III with a friend. I didn't get back to Omaha until pretty late, I believe it was about 11:30p-ish.

Tuesday I had every intention of going to class in the morning. (This is the class I dropped earlier) I needed to pick up homework and tests that I haven't gotten back yet. I have to get there in time Tuesday morning because that is the last day of the class for the semester. I believe J and I are going up north somewhere to check out a wind turbine and it'll be an all day trip next Tuesday so that should help get me up and going early enough to make it in time for class.

Wednesday was a very long day. I had class, then I worked in the lab until about 7pm and then I took a couple friends from the lab to the last women's volleyball game there on campus. We met my dad and then watched the game, just the four of us. It was a great game, the girls won by a sweep. After the game my friends wanted to go have a couple drinks and invited me so I joined. We went to some bar called Brothers because they had $.10 wings and cheap beer that night. That was a lot of fun... The wings were super small, but good for what they were. After we ate and had a couple more drinks we went down the street a bit and crossed over to some other bar. They had a band playing. When we got there it seemed as though they were finishing up their last song so I couldn't really say if they were any good or not. I met a couple more people there, they were great. I had a really good time. That was the first time in quite a while that I went out with people and had such a good time.

Thursday same story... Went to class and then worked until about 5:30p. I got home and talked one of my best friends into going to see a movie. We went and saw Unstoppable. It was pretty good. I am not a home-body at all so I would go out and do just about anything every night just to not be home. So considering that, this week has been great because I have been home just enough to sleep. This is how it has always been for me so it's nice to get back into a routine like that.

Today was a pretty long day as well. I had class all day, then I went and worked in the lab for only a couple hours. I had to work at the hospital tonight at 7p-11p. I got back home about 5:40p-ish, jumped in the shower, threw some clothes on and then went in to work. We were pretty steady tonight, not too bad though.

Tomorrow should be quite nice! I work my usual 7a-3p and then I'm free for a couple hours. I am signed up to volunteer for the salvation army and do bell ringing at one of the stores in town. That should be fun. I talked my friend into signing up with me since I couldn't get a good enough turn out from my Rotaract Club members. That is only for about an hour and a half and then I have a free night. This is one of the VERY FEW Saturday nights that I am not working the overnight shift so I am pretty thrilled. I asked my friend if he wanted to hang out after he got off work, but since it is Harry Potter opening weekend he is crazy busy at work so he'll probably be working all night. My next request was my sister, we'll see if she squeezes me in or not. Otherwise looks like I'll be spending the Saturday night studying and working on Calculus. That should be fun... :-/

Anyways, I'll try to do better and stay on top of stuff. It isn't much fun summarizing the week all at once. School is just so crazy right now. I wish I had just finished in Texas right away. I would never suggest to anyone to not continue full-time until completely done. Getting back into everything is just so difficult. Especially when you've experienced the real independent world, and your priorities are just so much different than the normal student.

I think I'm getting better, or maybe I'm just not stressing about it as much and its getting worse. I'm not sure which one it really is, but I guess we'll see how the semester ends up.

"To comprehend a man's life, it is necessary to know not merely what he does but also what he purposely leaves undone. There is a limit to the work that can be got out of a human body or a human brain, and he is a wise man who wastes no energy on pursuits for which he is not fitted; and he is still wiser who, from among the things he can do well, chooses and resolutely follows the best."
-William Gladstone

A New Week

So this week I have so much going on. This is a great thing, because as I said before, I get so much more done when I have less time. A rundown of this week:

Today: Work until 11p

Monday: Class, Meet with Research Advisor and begin work on finishing my machine, meet and study with a friend, then probably get home late.

Tuesday: Class EARLY to pick up homework and test. This is the class that I recently dropped... I will probably TRY to continue to attend considering there is only about a week and a half left of it. I have to retake it so might as well try to get an idea about things for next semester. All day Tuesday I will be working in the lab on my machine, then afterwards studying all evening again with my friend.

Wednesday: I have class, I'll work in the lab more, and then go to the volleyball game! A day of leisure after classes should be nice. I will probably take my buddy from the lab, I gave him tickets to a game that the family wasn't able to go to. I think he really enjoyed watching the girls ;) Anyway, he's excited about it, should be fun.

Thursday: Class early again (hopefully) and then class in the afternoon. I will probably stay and study as late as possible afterwards.

Friday: I of course have class... I might pick up a shift at work so that will depend on if I come back home from Lincoln early or stay to work in the lab and study.

Saturday: I work my usual shift in the morning, and then Saturday evening I volunteered to do bell ringing for the Salvation Army. I got my friend to sign up with me so it should be fun! I didn't pick up the overnight shift for this day so I would be able to volunteer and not have to worry about squeezing sleep in. It should be a good weekend. :)

I am ready for things to begin moving in a better direction. Hopefully with my balancing plan and keeping busy things should start just working out well. To new beginnings!! Hope everyone has a great week! :)

"For disappearing acts, it's hard to beat what happens to the eight hours supposedly left after eight of sleep and eight of work.:
~Doug Larson

The Art of Balance

Balance in life is something that is so incredibly important. While being balanced, mentally, physically, and socially, there is no limit as to how successful and happy one can be. It is just something that can have such a profound effect I don't think people realize how important it really is.

I can speak from personal experience about a lack of balance and the effect that can have on one's life. For example, my history aside, looking at life right now I am still trying to figure out a way to successfully balance school, work, and some sort of social life. Because I don't have too many actual friends I hang out with my social life is limited to the willingness and availability of a very select few. School should be taking up most of my time over all, as far as studying, being in class, homework, and whatever else goes along with being a successful student. Work is becoming more and more of a smaller part of my time (I don't necessarily mean I am physically working less hours, I am just not consumed by it anymore. I don't focus or stress about it as I have in the past.).

I know what I must do. However, it is just as theory and practice are two different things; actually getting things balanced is difficult sometimes. I have a plan for next semester, as this one comes to a close in the near future. I will try to get through it, hopefully passing the classes I am currently in. I intend to put forth the effort to change things by the end of this term. This way by the time the spring semester begins it will no longer be this horrific trial and error process I have stumbled through this first semester.

My plan for balance:

1. Time Management
- This is something that I have always struggled with. It is not an issue of completing tasks by a set timeline, or multitasking to complete projects. This semester I had so much time on my hands every day after class that I never accomplished anything at all. There were really no set deadlines to turn anything in, not enough to keep me busy. Then I would get behind and not have anything done at all. I am not sure if this makes any sense at all... Basically when I am constantly on the go, and I have no time to relax I am very efficient and productive; I can accomplish anything with pressure. When I have all day long with too much time I am worthless essentially. I can't get anything done as needed. It’s horrible right? Normal people get so much done when they have a day of no class or work. I can only accomplish anything when I have a short period of time to do it. This is something I will hopefully overcome by January. (Next semester I will be going to school fewer days a week than I currently am, meaning MORE time on my hands!)

2. Study!!
- This one is be an ongoing process. I am desperately trying to find a successful way to study and retain what I need to in order to do well in my classes.

3. Focus
- This is another one that I have trouble with. When I am able to focus I believe the time management and studying will all successfully come together. Hopefully because of there being no chance of any kind of relationship developing/continuing with anyone I have one less thing to worry about. Because I allowed myself to get so excited and hopeful over one this summer, when I got my feelings hurt it had much more of an effect on my focus than I had ever intended. This is one thing I have complete control over and will prevent from here on out.

Those are the three main things that I need to make sure are perfected in order to successfully get through school. We'll see how it goes! Like I said, theory and practice are so different. I have already begun to put things into motion....

1. Accepted the fact that I have no relationship potential so that has helped get over the recent past. It has made a huge difference in my attitude as well as helped with preventing my feelings to be hurt anymore. For example, when I am ignored or blown off by someone, it doesn't hurt my feelings anymore, because any expectations I previously had for anyone are completely diminished now. I accept the fact that though I have very few friends, my friends have a much larger group of people to entertain their time with. So I don't expect them to want to hang out with me anymore. (This isn't in any way as depressing or sad as it may sound, it is just the way things are and I am fine with it now.)

2. I have begun to read more. Not just reading text books for my classes, but reading other books as well. Reading for leisure isn't something I have done very often. It helps, not only with filling a time slot, but helps keep my mind busy as well as gives it a break from all the stressors I have related to school.

3. I have accepted the way of life I have to adopt in order to complete my degree. Up until now I have been very resistant to the things I have had to give up. It is getting much easier now.

So basically once I get things balanced everything is going to fly by much smoother. I am grateful I have had the opportunity to come here to finish school, as I realize there are many who are not able to do the same. I have big plans once I am done with school so I can't do anything that is going to jeopardize it.

The title for my blog being The Bumpy Road Through Life is definitely the true view as I see it. I don't think of it as being as smooth sailing as it has the endless potential to be, only because of the decisions I have made. I do have complete intentions of things continuing from this point forward much easier than they have up to this point.

"Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats."
~Voltaire

"It's so hard when I have to, and so easy when I want to."
~Annie Gottlier

First Day of Snow...

I woke up this morning with the sound of pitter patter outside my window. It began raining last night and I guess kept it up all night long. I rolled out of bed just in time to throw on some clothes and run out the door to get to class. I don't really remember the drive to Lincoln; I think I was still half asleep.

I met my friend for a couple drinks last night and I was not completely feeling well this morning I think as a result of it. Anyways, I made it to class a couple minutes late, but in still in time not to have missed anything. Today in my Engineering class the TA taught. Fridays are our recitation session so I guess the this is the TA's time to shine. He basically talks to us like we know nothing, which I guess most of the students in there do know nothing. It is a freshman class after all. :-/

After class I went by my advisor's office. We chit chatted about my schedule in the spring. I nearly had everything figured out when I found that my two nuclear classes are not listed as available on the registration website. So I had to send an email to someone in the Dean's office to figure out what I needed to do to get into them. Hopefully she will get back to me soon enough. I don't like not knowing exactly what to plan for.

So with that in the air, I have also decided not to move to Lincoln after all. I was able to get all my classes on Tuesday and Thursday for next semester. As of now, the cost of gas and rent would be a wash. Next semester it will be cheaper only driving to Lincoln two times a week rather than paying rent to live there. We'll see how it goes...

My travels are on hold for quite some time now. So after this next semester begins then I will be caught up on all bills and will be able to get financially sound. I will probably have to end up moving for the fall semester. My advisor said as things begin to get more difficult (as if they aren't already ;P) and I will be working in more groups then I will need to be on campus more often. Anyways, I think things will go a bit more smoothly next semester than it has this semester.

So next semester I will have the following schedule:

Electrical Eng Circuits (again... I had to drop it yesterday)
Differential Equations
Intro Nuclear Engineering
Basics of Nuclear Engineering
Electrical Engineering Lab
Independent Research/Study (Basically continuing to work on the wind turbines :))

It looks like a lot more than what it really is... The two nuclear courses are online so that helps :) This schedule is in hopes of me passing the courses I still have this semester. We'll see how it goes. I am trying desperately to get motivated again. I think I'm getting there. Next week will be great and exciting.

So I came in at 5p to work today. It began snowing I believe about 6:30-ish maybe? I am not really looking forward to the drive home tonight. This will be my first snow drive since I bought my car. Hopefully I make it to the house in one piece! I love fall... I am not so fond of winter.

So all the snow lovers can celebrate today that it is officially winter and snowing! Today was a pretty good day over all so I just might be celebrating as well when I get off work... Definitely not for the snow, but for a great end to a wonderful week!

"A lot of people like snow. I find it to be an unnecessary freezing of water."

~Carl Reiner :)

One Smooth Day

Today was a nice day... I slept in (missing my morning class) and took my time going to Lincoln. I finished some last minute homework in the lab and went to my Calculus III class. I should talk more about this class...

My professor is a hoot! I love going to class because he is just such an incredible professor and is so knowledgeable! He kind of reminds me of Ben Stiller by looks and height, but his mind is just amazing and his humor on a level above most. We learn new words in his class all the time. For example, does anyone know what "Widdershins" means?? I might tell ya later, but I encourage you to research ;). We have a history lesson on great physicists and mathematicians as well. It is just a great class. He does an excellent job keeping it interesting. Now if I could only make my grade reflect this impact he has on me, I just might pass! We have one more chapter exam and then a final. I believe his grading is on improvement overall more so than on the actual numbers so we'll see how it ends up.

Anyways, so I went to class and it was great as usual. I then went up to the EE offices to meet with one of my professors. Since I attended the Wind Energy Conference this week I missed a quiz in class yesterday. So I had to go make it up this after noon. I believe the quiz went well for the most part. I got my homework turned in and then went by my advisor's office to chit chat.

My advisor was on his way to a meeting so we didn't chat long. While I was leaving the office another professor was on his way up to the lab. He was actually going up there to see if I was there so it turned out perfectly that we ran into each other. He was the advisor the PhD student I have been building this motor/generator for this semester. Since she graduated and moved to Denmark now I will be working directly under Dr. P until it is completed. I am very exciting because he is an amazing person. Extremely intelligent, fun, patient, and so very helpful. He is Australian, which is awesome because he travels back and forth between the states where he comes and teaches at the University and Australia where he owns his own company. What is exceptionally awesome is that I have a connection in Australia for either an intern position and/or a study abroad program. He already said he would help me figure out a program and help me get set up at a particular University for a semester or two!

So anyways, Dr. P and I walked up to the lab together chatting about the conference and what still needs to be done on my project. (I say MY project now because it is up to me to complete it. It is actually is completely my previous PhD mentor's creation and work.) When we got up there he went through things and explained the basics of how to move forward on the project. He also gave me a few lessons on various topics surrounding it. A couple of the PhD students who work in the lab came over and joined in the discussion. It is amazing how people flock to Dr. P. It is no doubt because of his great personality and love for teaching and sharing his knowledge.

After our little meeting I headed down to the engineering library to meet a classmate to work on some homework and get notes for the classes I missed while at the conference. We ended up going back up to the lab to do the work. One thing I missed was a project that they split us up into groups for in one of my engineering classes. Apparently we have to solder for this project and she had never done it before. She has a practice circuit board so we scrounged up some resistors and various components and I showed her how to solder. That was fun. It felt good doing some actual hands on stuff as well as teaching someone something new. :)

I ended up staying in the lab finishing up stuff after my classmate left. It took a couple more hours before I finished everything I needed to. When I was leaving so was the last student who had been working on his research stuff. We chatted for a bit and then left.

While I was walking to the parking garage it began to sprinkle a bit. Thank goodness it didn't begin to pour! The parking garage is about a block away from the engineering building and I didn't have a beany or anything on my head. Plus it was pretty chilly outside. The drive home wasn't bad, it stopped sprinkling on my way out of town.

When I got home I watched a little bit of tv with my father and his wife. I just got out of the shower and started checking email and such when I figured I would blog a bit. I am suppose to meet a friend for a couple drinks in a bit. We'll see if that happens, my hopes aren't too high. From the track record we have of actually hanging out isn't too reliable so we'll see. Either way, today was a smooth day. I'm in high spirits and I'm pretty content the way things have gone.

Oh yes! I nearly forgot! I got a list of nuclear engineering classes that are offered online through the university I am going to take in the spring. There is a slew of them and I will be able to use them as electives for my degree! This is awesome because I am able to get some electives banged out in the beginning and I get to do them in nuclear which is what I ultimately want to do! This helped perk the day up as well. So with that note I will sign off. I'll share my final schedule a bit later when I get it all finalized. Good night!

Happy Veterans' Day to all who are currently or have served!

"As we express our gratitude, we must never forget that the highest appreciation is not to utter words, but to live by them."
~John Fitzgerald Kennedy

Hump Day

Happy Hump Day to all!

This morning had a great start to it! Met my friend and carpooled to Lincoln. We headed out to Kearney with everyone in the van, three professors, my "boss" (I work on the wind turbines with) and two other students besides myself.

The conference today was the best! The sessions were so much more interesting and incredibly enlightening. Yesterday was great, but today was just better for some reason. I met a colleague of my professor who is a leader in the wind energy development in Colorado. He travels a lot promoting wind energy and works for a huge alternative energy giant. My professor introduces me and then in the same breath asks about an internship position for me with his company! Talk about being taken off guard. That was a bit awkward; however, I believe I have an extremely useful and important contact who is a huge player in the industry. So I guess we'll see what comes of it! :)

I met a few other people from all over Nebraska, state senators, and other county and city officials. I was able to chat with a couple business owners, farmers, turbine manufacturers, and developers. Today was just the best day.

So after the conference we load everyone up again and head back to campus. After having to unload this and that, run here and there, and finally drop off the van I was pretty pinched for time. I really needed to get back for my club's officer meeting. I hauled as fast as I could go back to town. As soon as I get into city limits my phone rings... Of course, its the guys from the officers' meeting letting me know that they are done. I'm a little bit upset about the way things unfolded and I'm not going to go into too much detail about it. I will just state that this really put a damper on the end of my very good day.

I get home, text my friend to see if he will go to Ihop or to a movie with me, but he can't... It's ok though, he usually meets with me and cheers me up when I get my feelings hurt, heart broken, or ego injured.

I could really use a drink right now... I'm thinking Vodka Tonic and homework will be the night's ending. Hope everyone had a fabulous day! Most of my day was just great! I love going to things like this! I am becoming closer to other students from school as well as my professors. I met so many key players in the industry that I will stay in contact with through out the rest of my studying at the University.

Tomorrow I have a full day ahead of me... Lots to do.

"The emotional virus lives and thrives in the gap between expectations and perceived reality."

- Doc Childre and Bruce Cryer, Chaos to Coherence

Great Day!

So this morning was quite an early one... We headed to Lincoln about 4:30am. I rode in the car with a couple professor's and one of the PhD students who works in the alternative energy lab. He is one of my favorites because he gives me helpful advice and has helped me in my trials of study techniques. Anyways, there were about eight other students who went and they all traveled in the university's van.

We got to the conference, checked in and received our name badges and goody bags. There were booths set up on one part of the conference center. Me and my friend went around and spoke with a couple wind energy vendors. There were companies who were developers, OPPD, NPPD, SPP, and other industry giants were there.

The informational sessions were quite interesting! They were all very informative. I enjoyed every one! There is so much more beyond the scope that the university provides in classes. There are so many factors and sides to the wind energy development.

Tomorrow is the last day of the conference. I am carpooling again with the guy who I work on the wind turbines with. It will be another bright and early morning. We have to leave here about 4:30am again...

As soon as we get back I have to jet back home for a meeting with my club. Tomorrow is going to be a long day. It should be very good though!

The point of this blog isn't necessarily to make anyone feel a certain way about myself... The point is to:

1. Help myself work things out by getting the issues out where I can see them and not just internally struggling with them.

2. Maybe help sway people into continuing their education after high school full time until they are done. I don't recommend anyone to follow the path I have taken and wind up trying to dive back into school full time after being in the work force and independent for so long.

3. This is just to show how difficult it is when you are not a traditional student.

I think my way of thinking is a bit different than most my age. I am passionate and feel strongly about a lot of things. Through experience with different life obstacles I view things in a different light. I make choices that sometimes make sense and other times I am probably the only person who can see my logic behind it. Either way, this is more for myself than anything. I do appreciate the fact that I have people following though. If I can either be of some sort of entertainment; put a smile on your face, or teach someone something then that is great! If you learn something or are able to view things maybe in a different way then you would normally then I am glad. If reading this makes any sort of positive impact on your life, then that is awesome! Basically, I would love to make a difference and I try to in any way I can.

Today was a good day. I hope to have more of those pretty soon. I feel the distance getting easier and I think pretty soon I will be back on track and focused again.


"The shift from incoherence to coherence can bring dramatic effects: a 60-watt light bulb whose light waves could be made coherent as a laser, would have the power to bore a hole through the sun—from 90 million miles away."

William A. Tiller, "Science and Human Transformation: Subtle Energies, Intentionality and Consciousness"

Its All Uphill From Here

So this weekend was pretty rough to say the least. Some nice things happened along with some pretty frustrating things. All in all I am glad its over and this morning is a new beginning.

Today a group of students along with a couple professors are heading down to Kearney, NE for the Wind Energy Conference. I am pretty excited because I will be introduced to various industry professionals. Networking is always a plus! My professor who oversees my independent study in the alternative energy lab is speaking there at the conference. It should be interesting. I am all ready to go; should be leaving any time now. I'm carpooling with someone to Lincoln... just waiting now.

I have come to realize the reality of my situation. I am definitely moving to Lincoln at the end of December (hopefully the apartment I want will still be available). I realize hoping for a relationship that will never happen is time and energy wasted. I need to try to get all my focus back on school. Things will be ok... Over the next few weeks I will be looking for a job over in Lincoln. I'm not sure what I want to do at this point. I think the best way to ensure similar benefits to what I have now would be to find a job at a hospital there doing the same thing I do here. So with everything back in focus and my logical thinking cap back on I am good to go.

As mentioned before, I seem to take the tougher road in nearly every decision I make. Though usually its not the pathetically falling for someone avenue, but its usually one in which makes things more difficult. I definitely didn't fall short this time! I've pretty much thrown this semester behind the dumpster. That's ok though, I've got things all figured out for next semester and for the duration of my schooling.

Number one thing I will definitely stick to: NO BOYS! :D That should help everything else go smoothly. If there is someone who I am suppose to be with I will meet him when I am far away from here. Anyways, my ride is on his way now so I shall wrap up. I will share how the conference went when I get back home.

Happy Tuesday to all! :)

Rough Monday

So I feel the usual routine creeping up on me now. I get depressed, I don't get out of bed, nothing gets done, I fall behind in classes, and the semester doesn't end well. :-/ Today i am missing both of my classes; partially because I am feeling not rainbows and butterflies today and partially because I don't have enough gas in my car to get to and from Lincoln. The latter wouldn't even be a factor if I had money in my bank account to put gas in my car. This poor student stuff just really isn't working out for me.

I have a Wind Energy Conference to attend tomorrow and Wednesday. I am very excited about it. That is the one thing that puts a smile on my face. There are so many things pulling in all different directions right now I don't know how to calm them all down.

1. Grades aren't that great for the semester..
2. My club that I am President of is falling apart.
3. I have very, very few friends I can talk to about anything here.
4. I'm so broke I can't even put gas in my car to go to class.
5. I just don't know what to do to get things working smoothly :(

I need to move to Lincoln, but I can't really afford it. I need to get a new job, but the odds of moving laterally in pay and benefits somewhere else is pretty slim to none. I desperately need to study, but I still haven't found a very effective way.

There are so many things that I just don't know how to fix. Yesterday was just a horrible day and today is residual from it, but all the above listed are things that are constant. They don't go away. Most of the time I think I have done a pretty good job at keeping my chin up and looking ahead, but the end of it all isn't near close enough for me.

I am beginning to think, of all the wrong decisions I have made in my life, quitting my job out in Vegas and moving here has moved to the top of the list. I don't think I have ever been so stressed in my life. I could have gone to the University out there and finished there. I may not have been able to take on a full load, but at least I'd be there with all my friends, and I'd have more of a support system. I'm pretty much in a hole I am not going to be able to get myself out of any time soon now.

I just want to be done. I need to get far, far away from all of this. Today is a dark day... I probably shouldn't blog anymore about it. I hope the weather is nice. Maybe when I decide to leave my room I'll go for a long run and then a ride on my motorcycle... That usually helps.

“If you're in a bad situation, don't worry it'll change. If you're in a good situation, don't worry it'll change.”
-- John A. Simone, Sr.

One of those Days

So this morning I woke up quite early. From the time listed on my previous post it was about 3:00am. I finally fell back asleep about 5:30am and then got back up about 7:15am. I can't seem to sleep more than eight-ish hours at a time so going to bed at 8:30pm is not a good idea anymore if I want to sleep through the entire night.

I didn't really mind being awake off and on this morning, I felt well rested so I was pretty content. Things started off very well this morning. I went with a friend down to the local shelter to help serve breakfast. Everyone down there was so nice. I met an amazing judge who has been helping out down there for over a decade. He goes to Sam's every Saturday and picks up hot breakfast items for Sunday morning to be served at the shelter. He pays for the items out of his pocket. I believe this is going to be a regular thing for me know. I usually don't work Sunday mornings so I can go down and help.

After we were all done I headed back home. When I got in I took a shower and just got ready for work. While I was getting ready I found out that I have to wait one year before I am able to give blood again... I had just had a conversation with my friend about it too because he was on his way to give a platelet donation. Well he found out today about us having to wait a year. I had gotten a tattoo back in August (Which I must add is awesome ;P) and because Nevada's parlors aren't state regulated I can't give blood right away. I feel really bad for my friend because the platelet donations are a regular thing he does... I feel really responsible because I feel I might have had a hand in him going with me. Such is life though, right? If its not one thing, it's always another. I feel I'm bad luck for people... And I don't even really believe in luck.

Anyways, I just feel awful for my friend... I feel I've ruined something that is so important to him. :'( So on top of all that wonderful news, I get to work and my manager is here waiting for me. She wanted to discuss an incident that happened over the past weekend. Basically it things just went down hill from the time I got home this morning till now.

I started this post while I was at work... Now I'm home. I'm going to just go to bed. I have class in the morning so I want to try not to be up too late. I think I need to get things in motion for me to relocate. I need to find a new job in Lincoln, and find some friends over there too... Days like these happen and I just want to pick up and move back to Las Vegas where all my friends are and I have people to talk to... Ok, enough sobbing, tomorrow is another day. Goodnight.

“Things don't go wrong and break your heart so you can become bitter and give up. They happen to break you down and build you up so you can be all that you were intended to be.”
-- Samuel Johnson, English Author

“When everything seems to be going against you, remember that the airplane takes off against the wind, not with it.”
-- Henry Ford, Founder of Ford Motor Co.

Making a Difference

One thing that I have always felt strongly about is making a difference, whether it be in the town I live in, at work, or through out the world. I can only hope I am alive when the entire world becomes a better one, after positive change has overcome us all.

Something that keeps me pushing for my degree is the fact that I will be able to make a difference in a large way with it. The entire point of the engineering field is to create solutions and innovation in order to better the lives of people. There is a great organization, IRD (International Relief & Development). I was made aware of it earlier this year and the more I read about it the more I want to be apart of what they are doing. I know with my degree I will have the opportunity to actually do that, become a part of something that is truly making a difference in the world.

I have been reading this book called The Tipping Point. It is really quite interesting. I have began to see things in a different way. It is actually an amazing concept how somethings catch on and become "the thing to do" or "a must have" and others don't. This book is great at explaining and helping understand why and how this happens. I feel change is something that needs to happen... Compassion is something that needs to become a large part of world society and every day practice. Now figuring out how to make that the next big thing that sticks is a great challenge.

I haven't figured out what it is that motivates people to do things for others. I try to get people to volunteer and help with things that benefit those who are less fortunate. It is a very difficult task actually, to get people to take time out of their day to do something that benefits someone else. I am trying very hard to understand why there is the lack of interest in helping others; why people consider another's problems as not their own. By this I mean people who say, "it doesn't directly affect me, why should I care?" or "sounds like a personal problem, not mine", when they see or hear of someone suffering. People are dying every day, starving, being prosecuted, and suffering! How can another person be so dismissive of this? Why doesn't every single human want to do something about it? Why aren't we doing something about it??

I know I have no right or reason to complain about my life. I have been very fortunate to have been born into a family that cares and was able to take care of me. I am very lucky to have the opportunity to work and go to an institute of higher education. I am also fortunate to have the ability to make a difference. I am not going to let it go to waste either...

If anyone is reading this that means you have access to a computer... You are already sitting in a better position than about 80% of the world's population. That also means you have the ability to make a difference, whether it is at work, school, the community, or just at home. You can start small... Just a change in attitude goes a long way so smile, pick up some trash, help someone with groceries in the parking lot of a store, give blood, volunteer at a shelter. There are too many things that need to be and can be done to positively effect the world.

I have seen a show on tv where do different social experiments. It is appalling to watch how so many people will allow someone else to suffer and never say a word or lend a helping hand. I can only hope that this show helps bring awareness to people, and helps people to realize they have a voice and an opportunity to make a difference.

This is something I will go on and on about because it is so important to me. I know I am not anywhere near perfect in anyway. I am definitely not any kind of saint. I know that I am not worried about having a roof over my head or food to eat or clean water to drink... I have all the necessities and more. This is why I also know I have a responsibility to my fellow human beings to do what I can to help them have the same piece of mind. I don't think anyone should have to worry if they will survive another day because they don't even have access to the basic necessities to live.

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world."
~Anne Frank

"While earning your daily bread, be sure you share a slice with those less fortunate."
~Quoted in P.S. I Love You, compiled by H. Jackson Brown, Jr.

Michael Jackson's songs, "Man in the Mirror" and "We are the World" are two songs that I think everyone should know the lyrics, and not only listen, but actually hear the message...

Move or Stay...

So one big issue I am facing right now is the decision whether to actually relocate to Lincoln, or stay and continue the one hour commute every day to class. The original plan was to commute. Since I am only working part time on the weekends in order to have more time to concentrate on school, I am a bit stressed over finances. It is very difficult going from working full time and having normal bills and responsibilities to working part time with the same bills and responsibilities. Basically I have the same debt and less than half the income. It’s funny how I am suppose to be focusing solely on school, but I have so many other things that just prevent that from happening.

Gas costs a bit when driving two hours Monday through Friday, and the driving back and forth from work on the weekends costs too. (My work is across town from my house, at least a 20 min drive each way.) So, if I move to Lincoln and rent a cheap little efficiency apartment one block away from campus I don't have to drive as much. What I will not be paying in gas will go towards rent each month. This would make complete sense if I was even able to comfortably afford the situation now. I don't think actually moving there will assist in the deterring of the financial worry.

Now living so close to campus would help with the focus. By the time I get home now, I am exhausted from such a long day of driving and class. While living there I will be able to study right away after class without feeling the need to rush and head home before it gets too late and dark. Also, this would give me the opportunity to participate in more activities on campus.( i.e. clubs, seminars, volunteer activities. ) My advisor believes this is the best avenue, he says I need to become more emerged in the culture. Either way, I'm not too worried about becoming a fully campus- involved student; I just want to be in the most logical position to successfully finish school with a degree.

There are so many factors to think about I'm not completely sure what the best choice is at this moment. I would continue to commute if I had something to keep me here. Since I don't really have any friends in Lincoln, it would be quite lonely. However, I don't really have that many friends (that I actually see or hang out with) here so I guess that wouldn't really matter either. Originally in the beginning of the semester I was dead set on never moving to Lincoln. Though the subject of relocating had come up a couple times, I had no intention of actually going. I expected to still be dating my boyfriend at the time and actually be seeing him more than once a week. Even if we were still together, I'm pretty confident that it wouldn't have had an effect at all on how much we saw each other if I had moved to Lincoln. Either way, the fact is now that I don't have a boyfriend anymore, and no one trying to talk me into not moving. So basically I have no reason not to move to Lincoln.

I get so distracted sometimes and I forget the whole point of my residency here in the Midwest is to finish school. With that in mind I guess since moving to Lincoln would help with the focus that just may truly be the best decision. Though I'm so torn, mostly because I have hopes of someone declaring his love for me and wanting to be with me, the logical decision is to continue down the path of least resistance to finish school. That would definitely be moving closer to campus.

It is so funny how so many different avenues are presented when something important is hanging in the midst. Make an emotional decision, a logical decision, wise decision, or bad decision; either way something is sacrificed in hopes of something else being gained. With my luck, with the way I normally do things, whatever I end up sacrificing probably won’t make the gain on the other side any easier. Ugh… If only I had gone straight through school from the very beginning rather than following my heart out to Vegas. Funny that this statement is always what plays in my head when I am trying to get through classes now. I guess if I don’t just move and I try to stay here because my heart wants to I’ll be saying the same thing again another five years down the road… :(


"This time like all times is a very good one if we but know what to do with it."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson


“Education is the path from cocky ignorance to miserable uncertainty.”
- Mark Twain

Another Exciting Weekend!

So today kicks off another exciting weekend for me! I over slept this morning and missed my first class. This seems to becoming a trend unfortunately. I guess I get burnt out easily... Either my hopes and expectations are disappointed or I just get bored when things become monotonous. Either way, that is something that is on the list of "My things to work on" :).

So by the time I finally made it to campus I had to go straight to my advisor's office for a meeting. We discussed my classes for next semester. I have quite the schedule ahead of me! Two electrical classes and a lab, differential equations, possibly physics III, and an independent study course. We'll see how it all jives together though, I will be registering for classes this evening. The meeting with my advisor was very productive. I am getting excited again about school. This semester was pretty tough so getting excited again is something big for me. I think I'm getting the hang of studying, or at least beginning to somewhat figure out ways that help. Anyways, so today was pretty good to head into the weekend.

After my meeting with my advisor and my afternoon class were both over I headed back home. I had to get back home to babysit my little sister. That means tonight is a quite chill night at home. We'll have a pajama party in the living room and watch my favorite movie, Charlotte's Web :). These nights with my little sister are always nice because I missed a lot of the beginning of her life. It helps me feel like I'm making up for lost time.

Tomorrow I work my normal morning shift at the hospital. I hope it isn't as crazy busy as last weekend. It is never good to be busy in the ER because then that means either lots of people are sick or hurt, which is never good. Tomorrow hopefully the weather will be nice as well because I am hoping to go ride with the guys after work. I have recently found a group of guys who have crotch rockets like me and they ride a lot. It's great because until now I haven't had anyone to ride with, and it isn't much fun riding around alone all the time.

Tomorrow evening will be another early one. I don't have to work the overnight shift, which is great! I'm going to probably read a lot and try to study a bit... or a lot. Sunday morning I am going to go help one of my friends so an early night Saturday is good. Sunday will begin quite early. After I'm done in the morning I have to work again at three. Once again, I really hope Sunday isn't as bad as it was on Halloween...

There are so many things I have to juggle with school. These things all have an effect, whether positive or negative on my success each semester. The main things I need to work out in order to begin doing well aren't things I am able to just fix overnight. Most of it is just worrying on my part about things... Things such as the development of my Rotaract Club of which I am the president. It was just started earlier this year so we are trying to develop into a strong group. I just can't seem to get people motivated. I worry about this a lot. Another thing living rent free in my mind every day would be lack of time and money to do things that could make a difference. I don't want to get into that one too much because its more upsetting than comforting to talk about issues I feel strongly about. Before when I lived in Vegas I was able to do so much more than I am able to here. I just need to keep telling myself when I get done with school I will then have the credentials to do even more than I ever have to make the difference I need to.

There are so many other distractions that keep my attention, but I am slowly but surely eliminating them. Like I said before these things can't be just taken care of over night... Love, money, time, and resources: All things that will probably be a factor until I am finally done with my degree. Hopefully by the time I am done they are down to some sort of manageable size and order. Either way, anyone following my blog will see how everything comes to light :). I'll figure it all out though... Focus, organization, time and money management, and studying. All things that must be accomplished, and will. ;)

"Whatever you can do, or dream you can, begin it. Boldness has genius, power, and magic in it."
~Goethe

Vodka Tonic

So recently I have changed my drink of choice to vodka tonic rather than budlight. There really is no creative reasoning behind the decision, other than the fact that beer makes you fat. In recent months I have began running quite a bit and lost twenty pounds in the past six months or so. So sticking to the vodka tonic makes me feel that I can enjoy having a drink without worrying about it messing up all my hard work.

Quite frankly, the change in drinks is almost like a reflection on my life...

Before I moved to the great state of Nebraska I was living in Las Vegas, NV. The entire time I was there I worked two fulltime jobs, went to school, (usually starting out the semester with a full load of classes and only finishing with a partial load.) hung out with friends, and traveled every chance I got. The last year or so I was there, I finally got down to working only one job. I began drinking just about every day. I got pretty chunky. Budlight was my drink then. I got so fed up with my life that I decided to make the change. I quit my job, didn't sign a new lease for my apartment, called my dad, and made the arrangements to move to Nebraska. I told everyone it was to finish school. That was actually the second reason I decided to move. The first was for a completely different reason.

Basically, I have been here three years in January. I am not really all that close to finishing my degree (at least not as close as I expected to be), and I have made several pretty big changes since I have been here to my life. Number one change, that I made recently this year, I quit smoking. Something happened in the beginning of the year that scared me so bad I couldn't stand to do it anymore. Now I have fallen off the wagon a couple times, but I am pretty proud of myself for cutting it out as much as I have. I am sure by next year there will be no more falling off the wagon for me. Smoking use to be an avenue to deal with stress. I am learning new ways to deal with stessors now. They are working for the most part. Second big change I made was running. I decided I couldn't continue on the path I was going down. My job doesn't require too much activity. I needed something to get me moving. I lost weight, got back into shape, and added something on my list to help deal with issues.

Now I have only had three real boyfriends up until this year. And by "real boyfriends" I mean not just phone boyfriends I had in grade school or junior high, or even the two week "flings" in high school. I mean real boyfriends where you actually see each other on a regular basis. Now the first of those three is my high school sweet heart. He and I were together off and on from sixth grade I believe up until about three years after graduation. The other two were complete opposite from each other and from my first. Its funny how that happens... They were both much older than myself. The point is, every time I do things I have to do it differently each time. I do one thing, think I learn something, try something else, hope I learn something, then jump into something completely different.

This year I tried something different again. A fourth boyfriend, mentioned I believe in one of my firsts posts... The grade school friend that I reconnected with. This is really actually quite funny how the story goes. Basically, he is my vodka tonic. Since my first boyfriend, I only really thought with each preceding, that I was significantly changing my choice in guys. Well, there is something that ties them all together really. They were all unavailable, in one sense of the word or another. Now with the boyfriend this year I THOUGHT once again this was different. And in so many ways it really was! From budlight to vodka tonic... The first person I could honestly say I dated with hopes of something long term happening. I thought there was so much potential for a great future. I was happy, and not just some or most of the time, but all the time. Friends noticed, family noticed, I noticed... It's kind of crazy how one person can have such a profound effect on you that people actually notice a change. The relationship was normal, healthy, and fun. The point is, vodka tonic and budlight, no matter what, they are both alcohol. One just makes you fatter than the other more quickly...

I have a very difficult time focusing on simple things in life. I forget things, I don't do things because I get distracted doing something else... Because I have become this ridiculously hopeless romantic it clouds everything even more these days. School is the priority at this moment in my life. However, I have now created this crazy distraction for myself. I try very hard to not think about all the what if's, but I can't help it. I guess I'm just at the age where I feel I am going to be too old and miss my time. Maybe its human nature?

I'm sure all this makes no sense to anyone but myself, but this is why I'm blogging. I have to get it out of my head so its not bouncing around up there anymore. If my thoughts and feelings are going to be so jumbled I'd rather them be jumbled here than in my mind.

Anyways, I had a test tonight at school. This was a pretty important test for me, for the semester. After I finished my test, I headed home. When I got back into town I went and had a few vodka tonics.

Love, unrequited, robs me of my rest:
Love, hopeless love, my ardent soul encumbers:
Love, nightmare-like, lies heavy on my chest,
And weaves itself into my midnight slumbers!

-William S. Gilbert

Tuesday... Wednesday... Thursday

So it seems I am not the professional blogger I had hoped to be. School has been crazy this week. I have been working a lot and stay late on campus trying to study and get homework done...

Tuesday I only have one class in the morning. This is a great thing because that gives me all day to be free and catch up on anything I need to for the rest of the week! Well, this is also the only day that works for my independent research sensei for me to go work with him on the wind turbines. So this past Tuesday we went out and assembled a turbine at a community college there in Lincoln... We were mounting the blades onto the turbine when they fell and the structure of one of the blades were compromised. This was not a good thing. (luckily it wasn't my fault this time! ;)) So we had to run back to campus, pick up a spare set of blades, and run them back to the community college. We didn't have time to swap them out so we had to postpone completing the installation until Wednesday. So after the day full of exciting wrench turning, I headed home. I was suppose to stay and study but I had completely forgotten I had an officers' meeting of a community club, in which I am the president, to attend. So I got back into town in time to head over to the meeting. The meeting ran a bit late so by the time I got home I was exhausted. I did some homework that was due Wednesday morning in class and then crashed.

Wednesday i have class in the mornings at 10:30a. Every Wednesday now in this class I have homework due and a quiz. Content-wise, this is my favorite class now. We have only been in this particular class, covering this material with this professor since mid semester. The first half of the semester was another professor, while I have nothing against him, his part of the class was incredibly time wasting and obnoxious. So anyways, I went to class Wednesday morning, it was great! The quiz was simple and I rocked it! :D

After my morning class I had to go back out to the community college to swap out the turbine blades from the day before. That only took about ten minutes in all to actually change the blades. LES, the local power company, was going to return with his truck to mount it later in the afternoon. They said they would wait for me to get out of my later class so I could be there through the end. (Which was so nice!) So after we got the blades done and ready to mount I went back to campus for my afternoon class. After class I returned, we got the turbine up and mounted, and all went well for my very first wind turbine installation! :D Now that the turbine was mounted, we had to level it at the base as well as at the top. So, I pulled out the trusty labtop and popped in the disc with the program that talks with the antenna on top of the turbine. This was a very interesting process. Its all common sense stuff, just what you would expect; however, with the wind blowing and gusting up to 20 mph, it's a bit difficult to level the top of a turbine. We eventually got it! :D

I believe I will be in the paper of the... Lincoln Sun maybe?? They sent out a newspaper guy to take pictures and he got our names and all. Pretty cool stuff. :) After all that I went to the student union and studied and did homework until about 11 pm. I finally returned home about midnight last night. That was a long day... I have a couple people to study with now, so hopefully this will help improve my study skills (which is the goal of the semester) and my grades!

Today is Thursday... What a lovely day! I have not gotten out of bed yet and it is about 20 till 3pm... I did not go to class this morning because I wasn't able to get to sleep until very late last night, or this morning I should say. I have a test this evening at 7p. I had planned on getting up this morning and studying all day, but that hasn't happened. This test is a big one. It will essentially to either the nail in the coffin or my saving grace for this class. I have decided to go into it with a different attitude this time. No matter what happens I will be retaking this class, even if I do pass with a C. So, with that in mind I am not going to freak out and put tons of pressure on myself as I have going into the first two tests. After all, the odds of me doing rocking awesome are pretty slim to none, and all the stress is wearing me out.

So now that I have caught you up, nothing too exciting except my very first wind turbine installation has happened this week. I still have a couple days. I won't go into all the excitement from work residual of the weekend madness... That is a whole other alternate reality in itself! Drama, something I try to stay out of, but people seem to not be able to live with out it...

Anyways, out of bed now. Time to get dressed and head to Lincoln. I'll just go do some homework problems and study until the test. Oh yes! And I came across this fun quote too I'd like to share!
"I'm not cynical. Just experienced."

-Unknown

I think this is funny because I have been called a cynical person on numerous occasions... This does make sense as to why I view things in the way I do! :D

Monday... Monday....

It is the first day of November. October had a beautiful and exciting ending! It is definitely looking and feeling like fall. This is my favorite season! I wish it was fall year-round. I love the smells of fall... The fireplaces lit, the trees changing colors and losing their leaves. I absolutely just love it all!

Today should have been the beginning of getting things back track, but of course it wasn't... This morning I was so exhausted from the crazy busy weekend and incredibly busy day at work last night that I didn't hear my alarm go off this morning. I missed my first class of the day. Since I missed it, I figured there was no reason to rush to Lincoln so I just fell back asleep... Then I got up to go to my second class and got distracted! Basically I missed that one too.

I did however manage to get there on time for my appointment to view some more apartments. I got to see three that weren't ready to show. Two out of the three are the only ones with potential.. One has wooden floors, but not a lot of floor space. The other has dark brown carpet, but has a lot more open space to work with. I'm not sure which one I want. The one with carpet is on the University side of the building so it won't be a problem picking up the school's wireless. The one with the wooden floors are on the other side of the building, but isn't directly above the restaurant's kitchen that is in the bottom of the building. I am going to have to go back and look at them again... I really, really like the wood floors. What if there is a huge spider on the floor and I can't see it because the carpet is that dark brown?? (Seriously, that is the only thing holding me back from that apartment.)

Anyways, so after apartment searching I walked back to campus and went up to the Alternative Energy Lab. This is where I am working on a machine project for one of the PhD students. She actually just gave her dissertation Friday, and is moving to Denmark this next week. I am inheriting this thing and will hopefully finish it by the end of the semester. I have been taking lots of pictures of my progress because I am getting credit for my work. So anyways, I worked on some stuff until about 7:30 pm. Then a friend who is in all my classes came up to the lab and we worked on homework for one of our Engineering classes. We stopped about 9:30-ish and I headed back home.

On the drive home I gave my grandmother a call. Her birthday was yesterday, Halloween. :) I hadn't had a chance to call her because I was working all day and didn't get off until late. We had a great conversation during my hour drive home, ending it right as I pulled into the driveway of my house. I love my grandmother. I wish I was able to see her more often and have long conversations with her about life, school, and the world more often too.

After I got settled in at home my phone rings again. To my surprise, it is the ex boyfriend from sin city. We always have great conversations, it usually consists of me telling him what to do and him telling me I'm right. I think they go pretty well! ;) Anyways, I hope I helped. I have this thing about fixing people... I know I can't change them all. Though my Motto should have always been: "Fixing the World, One Boyfriend at a Time"... lol. Seriously though, I use to only date those who I thought needed fixing. Ha, I guess somethings never change! Even after three years I'm still trying to help. I just really hope things eventually work out. He, like everyone, is the only person who can really change his life.

So today was not too eventful. Tomorrow I am going to put up my first wind turbine at a community college by Lincoln. I can't wait! I took lots of pictures when we put up the MET tower. I am going to take tons of pictures installing this turbine. It's good to work. When I work I keep my mind occupied and I don't focus on things that aren't going the way I want. Busy is always a good thing for me, otherwise my mind goes in about a million different directions and that's when I get my self in trouble.

Oh and I found a new quote today!

"Never look down on anybody, unless you are going to help them up."

- Rev. Jesse Jackson